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Article – The Seven Types Of Cinemagoer

 

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Posted March 30, 2015 by

 
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The Seven Types Of Cinemagoer

Cinema compatibility is one of those tests that I think every couple should go through before they even think of a life time of commitment with one another. Much like taking a holiday together or living with one another, a cinema trip is a tentative process and you have to have a similar mind-set before going in. For example: a talkative person cannot go to the cinema with a silent person. It doesn’t work, and unless you are willing to compromise, you better skidaddle from that relationship faster than you can say “phones on silent, please.”

In case you were wondering, I’m a new breed. I’m “The Pee Ritual” with a slash (pun fully intended) of Flailer and IMDB-er. And you’ll find that as you read these types, you may be a mixture of them, like a cinematic Divergent, and that’s normal, that’s ok. But I promise you once in your life, you’ll come across these guys.

The Angel

“Be silent, be still” they are probably whispering to themselves long before the title sequence actually rolls on. These are the people who keep a straight face concentrated on the screen even during the adverts. Sure, you can have a merry conversation with them beforehand but the minute the booming sound echoes around the screen is the minute you’ll be with a statue. Heck, these guys don’t even bring snacks in and only rarely are seen wetting their lips with a cool splash of water. Not once have you seen them go to the bathroom, and the only sound they make is when they battle with the devil. But only after they’ve been pushed to breaking point as an exasperated “shhh” come gritted through their teeth.

The Flailer

The Angels are passionate people who ultimately, keep their throes of delight or sorrow tightly inside and behind pursed lips. The Flailers, however, do not. These are the people that have to add a grunt of amazement at the epic moments, scream “no” at the emotional bits, cry loudly at the death scenes and even let out an orgasmic gasp at a smooth scene transition that flows from ginger hair to a barley field (not me. Nope. Not at all). These are the type of people that love cinema so much that greatness fills their lungs and cells pushing out an array of bodily flails and sounds almost inhumane. They are almost an added rung of entertainment too, making you feel the tingling sensation they have too whilst their arms moves around like a Muppet on speed. They love cinema so much that the experience is almost too much for them to contain it.

The IMDB-er

Have you ever been in a room with someone who name drops every celebrity they’ve ever met? Well, the IMDB is that same sort of irritable person who can never truly gage their surroundings when spouting facts about the actors and film on screen. Honestly, they don’t do it obnoxiously. In fact, it’s an inherent part of their cinema going life. There’s a dot to dot of actors and film knowledge that automatically gets connected when a sense of familiarity. They don’t tell you to seem superior either, they tell you so you can confirm what’s going on inside their brain:

“Is it them?”
“It’s totally them.”
“I saw them in Unicycle 5.”
“Is it?”

They are first to their phones after the film too, making sure that their suspicions were right or at least helping them figure it out when their brain comes up empty.

The Cruncher

I know a lot of people who literally don’t have time to fit in food then cinema. Some have to grab what they can get to make sure their stomach isn’t growling throughout a screening. If you are very lucky then these people gobble what they can before the film actual comes on, making sure all food is gone during the adverts and trailers so your experience isn’t interrupt. Then there are the fuckers who have clearly never opened packaging before or at least have hoofs for hands. Every single movement comes with added sound effects that rip through the atmosphere and bound off their walls. They even eat with their mouths open, mushing, crunching, slapping and slurping, consuming your patience with every last bite.

The Talkers

There are definitely different levels of Talkers. There’s The Commenter: words that only pass from their lips out of unbridled excitement such as “that was so cool” or “oh my god I can’t believe that happened” and even, “what does this mean?” Similarly to the IMDB-er or The Flailer, it can’t be helped and it happens so irregularly that they can be forgiven. Then there is The Whispers. Although their vocalisation cannot be heard clearly, their buzzing is like a thousand unseen flies spiralling around your ear hole. About 90% of the time, it’s about the film – they either missed something or want to discuss what’s going on. 10% of the time, however, it’s about whatever topic sprung to their heads and like a fountain, they have to spew it. But then there are people whose loud and proud conversation consume the airspace, making it impossible for you not to be distracted.

The Dumb-Phone

I hate this person with a thousand burning suns. It is a testament to how short our attention spans have become. What’s worse is that occasionally I feel the urge to tinkle away on my phone when it buzzes in my pocket. But do you know what? I fucking don’t. If it’s an emergency, I leave the damn screen and check it outside. The Dumb-Phone cinema goers are arrogant and are unfortunately filling our cinemas up so much that some theatres have implemented games to keep them distracted. Don’t bow down to it. Call them out on it. The type of people who say “they are bored” at every function you take them too. They fly around your peripherals like a drunk firefly as their screens light up because not checking their Facebook status or emails for two hour is like a drain on their life support. The Dumb-Phones forget that going to the cinema is an immersive experience, an hour and a half in the black with a world of cinema just waiting for you to explore.

The Devil

These people are the scourge of cinema. They flounce into your screening and with one glance, you know what you are dealing with. It’s almost as if they turn around, with a glint in their eyes and a smirk on their face, laughing incredulously at your fate. For they are a special breed – a combination of all the bad habits that makes cinema going more of a nuisance than a leisurely activity. Much like people cut in lines, put their bags on seats or push their airplane seat all the way back whilst you are trying to eat – The Devil is unforgiving about being unpleasant. They tear into their food and grunt like an animal in heat, they get their phones out in a parade of ego as though it were his own home, they even make phone calls. THEY. EVEN. MAKE. PHONE. CALLS. What’s worse about The Devil is that when you bring it up with them, when you tell them, rightly, to “shut the fuck up!” That’s when you accrue it’s wrath. As a hail of popcorn kurnels falls into your hair, there is no defeating The Devil.

Well, unless you get the Usher.
What Cinema Goer are you?

 

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