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Article – Days of Future Retro! My Movie Pitches For The Next Wave of Nostalgia

 

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Posted February 11, 2018 by

 
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Days of Future Retro!

We (re)live in a world of neon lights, synthesisers and big hair. With movies and tv shows such as It, Stranger Things and GLOW all around us it is impossible to escape the eighties at the moment.

The concept of a flashback fun ride is nothing new. As a sentimental species, we have always pined for the past. In 1978 the release of Grease made America miss the good old days, it spoke to a pre-Vietnam generation who longed for a simpler, happier time. That vibe continued for the next ten years or so with nostalgic visual stimulants such as Happy Days, Stand By Me and Back To The Future keeping audiences happy. In the decade after that, we got all groovy again as we harked back to the sixties thanks to movies such as Forrest Gump, Austin Powers, The Avengers (based on the cult British spy series, not to be confused with the one which features the jolly green giant and a magic Viking) The Saint (based on the cult British series, not to be confused with the famous New York Gay nightclub)  and even the original It. Another ten years pass and Almost Famous, Anchorman, That 70’s show and Blow brought us back to the age of disco and disgusting wallpaper that was the seventies. That brings us up to the present, and here we are, riding a wave of 80’s stereotypes inspired by the likes of Spielberg, King and Carpenter.

So if my calculations are correct, 30 years ago is always going to be popular. That means the next period of feel-good memories will be the nineties. I was raised during this time. Moulded by it. So I have decided to jump ahead of the curve string together a series of movie pitches using tropes from that era in order to capitalise on audience sentimentality! If any big studios are reading this, you know where to find me. Usually at the pub shouting about the good old days when films were like this.

Endangered Animal Goes Home

Endangered Animal Goes Home

Lucy is a zookeeper’s daughter who one day falls into the tiger pit. Rather than tear her limb from limb the white tiger licks her face and an unlikely bond forms between the two, but Lucy’s father doesn’t understand. However, evil poachers are after a new rug and now Lucy and her feline friend have to travel across the country to an animal sanctuary. After an epic adventure, her father finally understands.

The Funny Faced Fool

The Funny Faced Fool

Jim Carrey is a normal, everyday man who one day is somehow cursed with pulling funny faces and doing silly things in inappropriate situations. Laugh as sings and falls over in a courtroom! Howl as part of his body stops working for some reason and he talks in a loud silly voice in a restaurant! Groan when he refuses to appear in the sequel and some poor upcoming star shoots himself and his career in the foot by trying to do a poor imitation!

Criminals Who Talk a Lot

Criminals Who Talk a Lot

Small time, likeable crooks who talk at length about pop culture somehow get caught up in a violent, bloody adventure with big time, not quite as likeable crooks who also talk at great length about pop culture. Christopher Walken cameos in one scene and steals the whole show.

Shallow Ladies

Shallow Ladies

A group of, like, totally shallow but lovable best friends who are popular in high school and love fashion realise that they have to grow up and do mundane jobs in order to show some nasty popular girl they got what it takes to make it in the real world.

Two Dudes Take A Trip Somewhere

Two Dudes Take A Trip Somewhere

For two dudes, life is a party. All they want to do is eat pizza and play electric guitar, but when one day they have to get from point A to point B in a hilarious road trip. Also features a cool rock chick who rolls her eyes every time one of the dudes does something stupid, which is constant.

Natural Disaster

Natural Disaster

Showcasing today’s amazing special effects, a natural disaster hits the city and it’s up to the president, an ageing action hero and young star-crossed lovers to travel to the epicentre and put a stop to the blue screen and explosions. A sad sacrifice is made in the finale, and Aerosmith releases a comeback hit.

Shoot em’ Nuke em’ War Pigs

Shoot em’ Nuke em’ War Pigs

A gang of farmyard piglets are accidentally fed toxic waste instead of slop and then transform into the lude, crude, War Pigs! Now the size of adult humans the pigs are brought to life via a combination of poor CGI and creepy puppetry. They take on a villain hell-bent on making money from his evil corporation in a plot that somehow involves hurting children. Wisecracks, action, and an inappropriate relationship between one of the pigs and the female human lead. Fun for the whole family!

The Ugly Girl Who is Actually Quite Pretty

The Ugly Girl Who is Actually Quite Pretty

Cathy is an unpopular girl who boys never gave a second look at, until one day she takes off her glasses and the prince of England falls in love with her.

Days of Druggin’

Days of Druggin’

A group of British friends decide to take some drugs and go clubbing. It’s all fun and games at the start, but eventually their lives take a turn for the worst when your favourite character dies and the hero is forced to get sober and grow a beard.

Contemporary Classic High

Contemporary Classic High

A classic piece of literature is loosely retold in an American high school setting. Features actors who look five years older than the age they are playing. Only one will have a Hollywood career after, the rest must settle for tv cameos.

Video Game Movie

Video Game Movie

A movie based on a classic video game that none of the filmmakers has actually played. Angry fans and the confused general public will enjoy the lead character constantly reminding us that “this ain’t no game!”

Cartoon Fairytale

Cartoon Fairytale

Disney or a similar animation studio that no doubt will soon be bought by Disney for a pretty penny, retell a legendary fable using classic hand-drawn animation (apart from one computer generated action sequence that takes three years to complete). Elton John and Phil Collins duet on the soundtrack and win all the Oscars.

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Tim Buckler
@BlockBusterMan
Tim’s Fortress Of Solitude
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