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[Review] – ‘You Can Be Cured’ – By Nik & Eva Speakman

 

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Posted August 13, 2017 by

 
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Good day, movie reader. My name is Defector of Bad Movie – Bad review, and I am mildly interested in the genre of Bad Movies.

Well, it would be more honest for me to say I have a uncontrollable thirst for Bad Movies, bordering on the disruptive to mental welfare, as I’m sure will become obvious.

My fixation with terrible films is an example of the kind of dirty fetish that most people pretend to repress in some form or another. But whereas most of you, I’m sure, get your filthy rocks off by watching whatever filth passes for the average Pornhub video these days, I myself get sweat-soaked palpitations by building a man-fort out of some of the most dreadful wastes of certification that movies have to offer.

Oh my, you’re so big!

But I have to admit that my single-minded collecting of every springboard-explosion ever put to film might be sliding into…a problem.

Dare I say it, an addiction.

But self-help is right around the corner, as shortly after writing an article exposing my addictive tendencies to the three people who read it, I found myself yet again perusing one of my local crack den CEX stores, which is quite often filled with exactly the type of discarded faeces that form the backbone of my DVD collection.

This sort of shit

So just Imagine my joy and relief after stumbling upon the one thing that might save me from myself – A self help DVD on addictions!

Yay!

What a find!

After gingerly handing over the £1 cover charge to a disgusted looking, piercing-riddled millennial bastard, I skipped home to boast of the journey I was about to embark upon (and how brave I was going to be). I could already sense how self-righteous I would become, having being cured of something. As such, I was absolutely more-or-less determined to make the most of my purchase and really put the 2 disk DVD boxed set through its paces.

As all who know me can attest, it was about time something was done, and I myself knew it. After all, in the space of five very short months, what was once a quaint…

This

…had become a thoroughly revolting…

This (complete with signed photos and bullshit)

…and as such I could have done with at least an intervention of some kind. But none was forthcoming (my wife tries her best but not nearly hard enough), therefore I knew I had to take control of my own destiny. Or more specifically, allow the Speakman’s to grab it by the throat themselves and attempt to cure me senseless.

“Or else…”

If all went to plan, I might finally have a normal conversation with my co-worker contemporaries instead of rambling incessantly about the subtle nuances of Enter the Shootfighter and Hercules against the Moon Men. Who knows, I might even have conversations that aren’t one-sided smiling and nodding followed by my own vague sense of isolation.

Wouldn’t that be lovely?

Except it didn’t really pan out that way, as this particular self-help DVD was created by the Speakman siblings (who are married), and as such is absolutely fucking useless to anyone outside of people addicted to honeycomb ice cream and irregularly constructed pavement slabs.

First admit you have a problem…

YOU CAN BE CURED! ‘ADDICTIONS PHOBIAS FEARS OCDS’ by Nik and Eva Speakman is a two disk self-help seminar designed to assist you in combating your fears, obsessive compulsions, and of course, addictions.

The blurb on the back of the cover describes how numerous fears and OCD’s, that vary widely, will be banished hence forth, should your fears exclude low budget seminars and blond power-hair.

Which they shouldn’t

In fact, the range of issues that the Speakman’s claim to help assist with is so specific, that I think a little more balance would have been useful when designing their seminar.

For example, the blurb invites us to,

‘Observe Nik and Eva as they work with patients with issues ranging from a knife victim harbouring a 16 year terror of knives to various addictions, including chocolate.’

Please Mr and Mrs Speakman, do not let those patients meet each other.

“I’m terrified of knives, and of ISIS in general…”

“…and I can’t stop eating chocolate coated marshmallows, but sure let’s make it all about you.”

So what actually are the addictions, OCD’s, and fears that you can expect to have cured? Well, these are the contents of both DVD’s according to the rear of the cover.

DVD 1 – Fears & Phobias

Chapter 1 – Anything is possible!
Chapter 2 – How fears & phobias develop
Chapter 3 – Phobia of ice and heights
Chapter 4 – Phobia of fruit and vegetables
Chapter 5 – Fear of knives
Chapter 6 – Fear of heights

DVD 2 – Addictions & obsessive Compulsive Disorders

Chapter 1 – How our brain perceives food
Chapter 2 – Crisp addiction
Chapter 3 – Food addictions
Chapter 4 – Suppressing a craving
Chapter 5 – Chocolate addiction
Chapter 6 – Addiction to cigarettes
Chapter 7 – I cannot walk on pavement cracks OCD

3 hours and 18 minutes. Wonderful

My God, there’s a lot to cover here.

Before I have even begun self-helping I have already learned that crisps and chocolate are separate from foods, and that some people are afraid of anything being possible. But then again, in my excitement I may well be misunderstanding yet another DVD cover.

Best thing made all year, my arse

I’m also concerned by what may happen if I decide to combine the contents of chapters one and six of the first DVD. I’m pretty sure I would fall to my death, but maybe that’s why fear of heights is covered twice…?

Confusion.

It’s a Scary World

This is some fairly specific shit here, Mr and Mrs Speakman. Phobia of fruit? Crisp addiction? Fear of fucking ice?

That last one is especially baffling. Do they mean iced over lakes? Which would be a fear of drowning, no? But maybe they mean just normal ice, as in cubes, which you can choke on I’ll admit, but then surely that’s a fear of choking which could include anything from dignity to the non-chewable corners of self-help DVD’s.

I suppose anyone could develop addictions and fears over just about anything, but are these things common enough to warrant intervention-filled seminars?

Maybe so, but…wait one second.

Is it wise to host within the same seminar people who are addicted to food, and people who are terrified of fruit and vegetables? Did the audience have to be segregated according to their fears and OCD’s? What if they were exposed to each other and things turned violent?

Let’s pray they have chosen a suitably secure venue, just in case.

Nazi holiday home. Good thinking!

Still broadly confused, and wondering why a phobia of normal movies wasn’t on the cover, I attempted to gain some further information on the Speakman’s and their ways by visiting their website. But I was immediately warned by my web-browser that the site had been hacked (it’s a cut-throat industry), and so was unsure if I should proceed. Eventually I decided to throw caution to the wind, being on the mission I was, and so ignored the advice.

What I was greeted by was what I can only describe as a Javascript nightmare, with bizarre columns and fucked up HTML that didn’t load properly and slowed my computer to a crawl. Sensing danger, I left their website as I found it – a fucking virus ridden hell hole, and instead awaited the inevitable ransom-ware.

I happen to have a phobia of computer viruses, so where does that leave me?

What I did notice before I left their site however, was that the Speakman’s looked pretty god-damn disgruntled, if not outright furious at their own inability to hire a decent web developer.

“Welcome to our website.”

Edit: Between the time I wrote those notes and now, the Speakman’s have since forked out for a proper site with a webmaster who isn’t a Russian hacker, not that I now trust them not to sell my email address.

What information I was able to glean from other sources described the Speakman’s as ‘daytime psychotherapists to the stars’, which is wishful thinking, as they have treated celebrities that no one has heard of outside of the darkest corners of the UK, such as Peter Andre and Jeremy Kyle.

Back in the 90’s, Peter Andre had a well known phobia of not being an odious bag of rodent shit

Help – The Speakman Way

I eventually decided to put things off no longer and began watching what I was absolutely certain would be a big bag load of absolute wank. So I grabbed a knife, some lettuce, a bag of ice, and pressed play.

And after what felt like a year of watching something in 30 second blocks, I can confirm that it is…a mixed bag (of absolute wank).

At least what I saw of it was, because I lost the first DVD one night when binging on Operation Delta Force 2 and Maniac Cop, and so lack a full understanding of their programme. Plus I had made things even more confusing by only seeing the start of the first DVD before losing the thing, which meant that I might not only doubt if anything was indeed possible, but would miss the opportunity to laugh under my breath at whoever had the balls to tell a room full of people that they were terrified of their own lunch.

You just don’t know what’s it’s going to do next

But I can definitely confirm this is indeed a self-help seminar, as the second DVD contained flip-charts – the contents of which were at no point explained.

What kind of ass-hat is afraid of a singular lemon?

I also learned that Nik Speakman has a worrying fixation with both eating and saying ‘KFC’…

Well if your audience didn’t have a phobia of KFC, they do now

…and I found myself laughing nervously, as the energy in the air of this muggy looking stately home was as tense as it gets. It wasn’t helped by the constant low hum of a videographer who forgot to study sound recording. But even without the shoddy production value there would still have been a palpable atmosphere, as no one appeared to want to be there, including the Speakman’s themselves.

Eva constantly looks terrified her husband is about to embarrass her, which for once is a valid fear and/or phobia

In fact, the more I watched and absorbed their seminar, the more confused and irritated I became, which I doubt was intentional. The stops and starts through which I watched this DVD (reluctantly, over the course of a few days), became more arduous each time I played it, as I was slowly becoming…enphobiated (?) to seeing it again.

Quite possibly yes, I was developing a phobia of a self-help DVD about phobias, which is irony so terrifying that the Speakman’s themselves would have shrugged, walked out, and went back to cam-porn.

For crying out loud guys, it’s just a joke

Things did liven up slightly when Nik’s thick Mancunian accent attempted to convince a patient that the palm of his hand was a (no shit) packet of crisps, and that by repositioning his hand within three-dimentional space and making bizarre noises, he could somehow convince her not to eat them ever again.

?!?

I’m sorry, what the hell are you doing, Nik? Are you a therapist or a fucking exorcist?

Soon after, Nik (with his back to his wife) tried again with the three-dimensional mind-control, except this time using a Cornetto ice cream on a pensioner with a chocolate addiction – and I’m struck by the precise place that Nik used to draw the attention of this salivating old lady.

 

Better watch yourself there, Eva WILL go for your throat

There was at least twenty minutes of this stuff, and I started to shift uncomfortably in my seat with embarrassment, eventually to the point where I had to put my own desperate need to be cured to one side, in place of just making the fucking thing stop. So yes, I began skipping through the DVD…

I know what you are going to say.

That I am not serious about being cured at all, and have simply use this laughably sub-standard self-help DVD as a cheap ploy to write my first article for Film Debate, and that when all is said and done, the Speakman’s can take turns eating crisps out of my ass.

Well, you’d be partially incorrect, as I don’t think that way of the Speakman’s. No, I kind of have a soft spot for them, having seen the lengths they are willing to go to embarrass themselves and everyone else they come into contact with just to help people. And yes, they really do seem to want to help others, which is evidenced not just by their odd-ball seminar, but also by the contents of their (brand new and redesigned) website.

It really does look as if they were expecting me to visit it though

If you are willing to be a sympathetic ear to people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, then I don’t really give a shit how much you intend to charge people, as long as you in some way help them. And judging by what other people are saying about the Speakman’s, they are doing precisely that.

You go, guys.

Consequentially, as I merrily skipped my way through what remained of their seminar, I felt more and more of an dickhead for knowing that my obsession with Bad Movies is basically harmless (my wife not withstanding), especially given that some of the phobias, fears, OCD’s, and obsessions presented on these DVD’s are pretty God-damn debilitating (some of them though – most of them are fucking daft).

One poor lady, who at first recounts her inability to leave her house because of a crippling OCD of walking on pavement cracks, is eventually shown successfully walking down the street in heart-wrenching tears of joy and relief at being freed from her disorder by the Speakman’s and their techniques…and who the fuck is slicing onions?

If you get no feels from this, then you have a crippling phobia of being a normal fucking human being

Maybe one day I’ll tearfully walk out of a CEX store with a bag full of DVD’s that cost more than 50p each and straight into the arms of the Speakman’s, but somehow I doubt it.

I joke now, but there is one part of me that does wonder if my so-called ‘obsession’ isn’t maybe at the early stages of what one day might become a full-blown Speakman three-some. After all, just the other day I found myself with some spare time and cash, so I headed to my local CEX store to do my thing. However, the store in question was closed due to an electrical fault, and it fucking ruined my day. No, for real, it put me in very shitty form, enough to the point where I was considering driving to another CEX store 40 miles away, just to buy something to make me feel better.

Holy shit.

What the hell is wrong with me?

It’s staring you in the face you asshole, listen to your wife!

In Conclusion

Truth be told, the Speakmans do indeed seem to know what they are talking about, and I found myself genuinely (grudgingly) interested in some of their techniques. They also seem to have a boat load of credibility when it comes to this kind of thing, so I can’t help but commend them.

And if I can be perfectly honest, I did end up at least wondering if I should apply some of what they say to my burgeoning addiction to spending money on terrible films and frowning.

Maybe tomorrow, I’m busy tonight

I actually feel a tad guilty for teasing them. Yes, there are certain eccentricities here and there that are easy targets for couch-wankers such as myself, but in truth they really are helping people recover from psychological issues that can destroy someone’s life, and they have made an impressive career in this regard whilst leaving twenty years worth of grateful people in their wake. So thumbs up.

Me, my thumb, and awesome sweater

I have the opportunity to be one of those grateful people too, but considering this seminar is retailing on Amazon for £40, I have a decision to make – Sell half of it and be rich, or try and find the first DVD and finally cure myself of buying this kind of thing to begin with.

Decisions…

For more of this kind of childish crap head on over to Bad Movie – Bad Review, where you’ll find reviews, interviews, and general Bad Movie-related brain diarrhoea!

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Read Similar Articles?…

[Review] – ‘Everything, Everything’
[Review] – ‘Anti Matter’
[Review] – ‘The Mummy’

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