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[Article] – Taglines With Tim: Rambo!

 

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Posted December 13, 2016 by

 
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The Rambo series is quite possibly Sylvester Stallone’s second biggest multi-movie franchise that starts with the letter R.

For over 34 years the wacky veteran has shot, stabbed and kamikazed into our hearts. Let us celebrate by taking a look at his legendary movie poster taglines.

First Blood (1982)

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One war against one man.
Non of this “Multi-man, Multi-war” business, thank you very much.

He just wanted something to eat.
I can totally relate to that. The other night after I finished work I was starving! So I went to Burger King to get some grub, and on my way in I was informed that there was only chicken left. Needless to say I was outraged and ran off into the woods to start a war against my town. Many people were killed, Many more were seriously injured. In the end it took my brother in a beret to talk me down from atop Toy’s R Us carpark, reminding me that the new Star Wars movie was out in a few months. I calmed down and settled for the cheddar tendercrisp.

He never fought a battle he couldn’t win.
He is literally the worst person to play Pictionary against. Far too intense.

This time he’s fighting for his life.
Because all the other battles he fought during his time in the army was just for shits n gigs. 

A one man war.
If you are having trouble trying to picture what a one man war looks like, think of the scene in Mary Poppins where Burt is farting around outside the park with all the musical instruments, replace the bass drum with a bazooka, the horn with a flame thrower, the accordion with a bow and arrow and you should be getting somewhere.

Rambo: First Blood Part II

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What most people call hell, he calls home.
“What most people call hell, I call home!”
*Audience politely laughs
“I mean take my wife… We agreed to be healthier, so we only smoke after sex. There’s a pack of Malbro on my dresser table that hasn’t been opened since 1975!”
*Audience laughs a little harder, a few hand claps
“I tell ya, it’s not my fault! THEY DREW FIRST BLOOD!”
*Audience explodes into applause after hearing Americas most loved catchphrase. Rambo adjusts headband and cartoonishly looks nervous.

They sent him on a mission and set him up to fail. But they made one mistake. They forgot they were dealing with Rambo.
“So lads, what we do is we send him into the jungle and then…Wait! No! Just, remembered, he’s Rambo. Fuck that. Right, new plan lads…”

No man, no law, no war can stop him.
Apart from Trautman. Who stopped him on behalf of the law. That one time he started a war against a town.

Rambo III (1988)

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God would have mercy John Rambo won’t!
Without any full stops or commas this tagline makes no sense. Even if Yoda said it, it would still be gibberish.

The first was for himself. The second for his country. This time it’s to save his friend.
And when he has collected enough point, the next time will be for a once in a lifetime trip to Barbados!

Rambo (2008)

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Heroes never die…. They just reload.
And with that my friends, I must finish this article as the fact that I do not own a t-shirt with that phrase on it has made me quite sick. Thanks for reading!

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Tim Buckler
@BlockBusterMan
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