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[Article] – Taglines With Tim: Jaws!

 

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Posted November 27, 2016 by

 
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Welcome to Taglines With Tim, a new feature where every couple of weeks we take a look at some of the best and worst taglines ever conceived to sell a movie.

Anyone else surprised that they haven’t attempted a remake/reboot/revamp/remix of Jaws yet? Probably a good thing, as they wouldn’t use the theme until the end credits and the shark would be portrayed by Melissa McCarthy with a fin tied to her back.

Jaws was the original blockbuster franchise and as such it has had a lot of memorable poster taglines. Some are iconic sentences and statements that will echo through cinematic history forever. Others are awful, outdated phrases of cheese that are well worth having a giggle at. So without further ado lets escape this November coldness and take a short break in Amity Island.

 

Jaws (1975)

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Amity Island had everything. Clear skies. Gentle surf. Warm water. People flocked there every summer. It was the perfect feeding ground.

Shark Husband: Feel like getting a takeaway tonight?
Shark Wife: Ohhh yes! What were you thinking?
Shark Husband: Maybe Amity?
Shark Wife: Sounds perfect.
Shark Husband: Right, I’ll be back in a bit then.
Shark Wife: Stay away from scuba tanks! You know how they ruin your appetite
Shark Husband: Yes dear.

The Nation’s No.1 Best-Selling Book now the Screen’s Super-Thriller.
How does one define their movie as a super-thriller? Is Silence of the Lambs a super-thriller? Is Airplane! A super-comedy? Is Man of Steel a super-action, super-hero, Superman movie?

You yell shark, and we got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July.
Well that all depends on where you are really. If you’re in a seafood restaurant people will just assume you are overexcited about your unethical dinner selection.

If you forgot what terror was like…its back.
This sentence runs through my head whenever facebook notifies me that I have a new message from my crazy ex.

See what you missed the first time…after you closed your eyes.
How am I supposed to see if my eyes are closed? Or do you mean when I closed my eyes the first viewing? How do you know I had my eyes closed? Maybe you should see what you missed the first time…after you stared at me and not at the screen you creepy prick.

It’s as if God created The Devil, and gave him Jaws.
I like to think that before then Satan was running about with his mouth flapping open like a b-list Muppet.

The terrifying motion picture from the terrifying No. 1 best seller.
Now playing at your terrifying local cinema with terrifying ticket and snack prices.

When beaches open this summer, you will be taken by Jaws.
Taken by his charms, boundless charisma and big, strong, muscly fins.

She was the first.
Her name was Lucy. I met her at the summer fair. I will never forget her sweet touch and scent of apple blossom.

Do you like fish? Well, he likes you too…
I don’t like fish. It’s like poor quality chicken with an added splash of cat piss.

Don’t go in the water
What, ever? Ok, but things are going to get really stinky really fast…

See it before you go swimming.
As someone who was afraid of Jaws swimming up the drain and biting my bum when I used the toilet, I think seeing it before I go swimming would be a terrible idea.

You’ll never go in the water again!
Is that a threat, prediction or a statement? Because whatever it is, you’re wrong. I totally will. In fact my hand is in my sink right now just to prove a point. So fuck you.

 

Jaws 2 (1978)

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…
One of the most iconic taglines of all time. Kind of hard to take the mick out of it.

One good bite deserves another!
One of the worst taglines of all time. Far too easy to take the mick out of it.

 

Jaws 3-D (1983)

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Reaching new depths of terror.
You reach for new heights. You sink to new depths, but I guess that would sound like “We’re scrapping that bottom of the barrel now!” which would be far too truthful.

The third dimension is terror.
Actually the third dimension is the additional dimension by which a solid object is distinguished from a planar projection of itself or from any planar object, OR something that heightens the reality, vividness, or significance of a factual account, sequence of happenings…Nice try though.

A deadly new attraction.
What I whisper under my breath if a pretty girl makes the mistake of catching my gaze.

 

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

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This time… It’s personal.
Second piece I have written for Taglines with Tim, second “This time its personal.” There is a drinking game in there somewhere. Actually this was the first time the worlds most clichéd tagline was used, which is probably the only thing going for this God awful film.

On Friday June 17, man’s deepest fear will rise again.
You mean that quick flash when the other half uses to PC Internet browser and you try to recall if you clicked incognito prior to your last lengthy session? How specific. I don’t understand what that has to do with Michael Caine shouting at a rubber shark though.

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Tim Buckler
@BlockBusterMan
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